My cousins got me this present just before they left town waaaay back in May when they found out I’m preggers. This journal is filled with apt quotes about, yes, being a parent and the reality of it: it’s this amazing yet hefty journey filled with such immense responsibilities that sometimes I’m sure will lead me to question why I signed up for this in the first place.
Like so many other people out there, I do have the jitters sometimes when I think about the future with Bry and sunnyboy (and possibly another kiddo after?): what will our family dynamics be like? How will sunnyboy turn out? Will he be a smart/loving/generous/happy/jovial/thoughtful/God-fearing/determined….??? Or will he be the complete opposite? Will I be a good parent? Does anyone ever “get it right”???
I think parenting is the ultimate test of faith: faith in the unknown, because no matter what religion or non-religion your subscribe to, you made a conscious decision (well, most of us, at least i, did) to bring another life into this world and in doing so, kind of made a promise to the child that you will try your best to bring him or her up in the best possible way. But because you ultimately can’t control how he/she will turn out, you need to rely on faith that they will turn out OK.
I know that when I made the decision to have a kid (we both did together, but I had to decide to say “yes” and it wasn’t all that easy for me even though I was feeling quite clucky already for awhile), I thought about all the different angles about how having a kid will and will not pan out for my life. The sacrifices, adjustments I would have to make, and whether the world would actually be a better place, otherwise, why bring another being into the world?
The more I thought about it, the more I talked myself out of having a kid…until I remembered the verse in Galatians 2:20: I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I remember praying fervently for a few weeks about having a child, about whether or not this was what God wanted for my life, and once I was quite convinced that He had hoped that we would have a kid, I came on this verse telling me to just do my best and let Him do the rest. And I know this is what God had wanted me to exercise: faith.
Now, reflecting on my journey from even the time before I became pregnant until now, every step of the pregnancy journey I have been going by faith. There were some months, especially early on, when I kept freaking out about whether the little guy will survive,…there was always something to be concerned about. But at the end of the day, there were lots I could not control and all I could do was say “Dear God, I leave this all in your hands. I have tried my best…”
And in fact, now, I believe more and more that being a parent is all about making us better people: more tolerant (and tolerable, hopefully), more loving, more forgiving, more patient, more sacrificial, more giving, and more resilient.
Faith. I pray that God continues to strengthen my faith in Him, through little sunnyboy. 10 more weeks. I’m still nervous but more getting more and more excited as we inch closer to meeting our little guy. 🙂